the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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