we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
