It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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