you traded sex for a burrito?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's official drugs can't kill me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
