They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
