On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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