Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
