i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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