im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
