Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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