She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
