you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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