A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
