ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
