Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
