I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
