Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
