Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize