neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
