Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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