It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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