fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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