when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
