My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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