My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We're using joints as your birthday candles
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
