Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
