I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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