I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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