Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
