i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
