I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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