I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
