Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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