I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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