i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
