can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize