I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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