There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
