I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
