she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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