I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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