oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
