just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
