o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
