Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
