When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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