They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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