You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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