It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
