He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
