We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
