literally had 100 drinks last night.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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