Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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