First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
