dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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