Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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