I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
