someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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