I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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