FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
