i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
